Christmas

Ending the year ... quietly
With time on my hands, I discovered I still have a blog site a year later... ok, it was quite a busy year ... only because I am multi talented and, being a woman, can multi task. Between writing creative copy, websites, a DVD, speeches and MC scripts, the awesome Soul Sessions project and diminished comic and MC bookings, I have survived 2009 but can't afford the yacht... or a rowing boat ... or a paddle.
December means total death in the bookings business. January means "do I or don't I kill myself?" February means "maybe things are going to be ok." If you haven't changed career paths or killed yourself by March, it's conference season and gym, diets, resolutions and "finding yourself" exercises are shelved as stress and animal zoo biscuits take over.
The recession introduced a new turn of phrase in gobbledygook in the corporate MC business, as many companies appointed their own "in house" MCs as a "self empowerment exercise". One ex client emailed to say he's rather good at this MC business and thinks it time to change careers and become a professional speaker and MC and was hereby "appointing" me as his manager. When I finally managed to pick myself up off the floor, I replied with one of those seriously bridge- burning-no-going-back-letters.
The Old Mutual Soul Sessions this year were awesome, despite the stress. I was appointed to source, appoint and manage the speakers again as well as write the website, speaker book and chat shows. Working with Harry Dugmore, Mohau Pheko, Patrick Bond, Hein Wagner, Joe Mwase, Dorah Sitole, Sophie Ndaba and Tumisho Masha was a privilege! And of course, there is nothing that gets us to laugh at life more than the amazingly funny comic Ndumiso Lindi.
The chat shows were very popular and the only bad thing was seeing my beautiful copy on a sleazy agent's site, as he cut and pasted word for word my profiles on Harry and Mohau from the Old Mutual Soul Sessions website. They say that copy is the highest form of flattery, but it was the sort of flattery I don't really need. I burst a blood vessel in my eye from the anger, and had to walk around with a blood filled eye for a week as a constant reminder about the sleaze in the industry. I would like to concentrate more on creative writing this next year... the kind of writing that cannot be copied without a big fat law suit slapping him in the face.
I grew the MC and speaker book and trimmed it from one celeb who has a habit of giving a quote to agent and then going direct to client and offering her services for less. Since I work on just 10% with that person, second time I knew for sure was enough.
"Small towns and freak shows, that's my mother" said Colin, after the Black Widow talk in Bloem, now 150 women killers richer for my efforts.

I'll never forget something an ad man said at a dinner party a few years back ... his biggest fear, he said, was being surrounded by mediocrity. I thought of him today and wondered if he has ever had an argument with one of the Vodacare assistants about the seven days from box guarantee. My biggest fear right now is having a stress induced heart attack in a Vodacare outlet because, considering the "more than my job's worth" attitudes, I will surely die. I know I shouldn't be at death's door because of a cell phone ... and, after all, I never had any stress at all re cell phones while using my old one. So what's changed? I got a new Nokia N82 with my contract renewal, that's what! Being blonde, it took me two weeks to figure out just how to take it out of the box! Then a week to manually transfer 500 of my numbers which weren't on the sim card (I didn't know they could do that in five minutes with a machine). Finally, I was ready to use the phone - one month had gone by - within three days, I realised the phone was faulty. So I had the seven day guarantee argument, which is pure bullshit if you ask me. I am sure I could go to small claims court and the judge would agree with me that such an expensive product has a longer guarantee under consumer rights law .. but whatever .. the argument helped as they replaced the phone three days later. The new phone worked for exactly one day - on the second day, it would not even turn on. I took two hours out of my day today, to get to Sandton by the 7th day, despite my meltdown with too much work on my desk. The seven day guarantee apparently doesn't work on a replacement phone so now I am really screwed. After my tantrum the chap helping me said he would go for a replacement phone and I said I don't want a Nokia N82 anymore and asked him, seriaaaaasly, if you would want a product after two duds! I now want a Sony Erikson or my money back (I had to pay extra for the phone) but we have long dialogue ahead of us ... if I live through it!
And on the seventh day they shall have rest .... eish

the to do list

What's really driving me mad these days is that one can never cross anything off a To Do List. Years ago, I could write up a To Do List every day and took great pride in ticking off the to dos landing up with a page of ticked off jobs at the end of the day. Nowadays, you tick it off the list but two days later find out that the next party in the line did nothing about it and you have to add it back to your To Do list. My To Do lists now include daily follow ups and carried forwards. its' becoming like an accounting schedule. And you have to keep records and times of calls and proof of sending emails and faxes. Well, it's just driving me nuts.

And then there's the To Do in trying to have a problem or query sorted out ... those ongoing robotic voices "your call is important to us" and "we are experiencing high volumes" BULLSHIT. For two days I have tried just to get through to my internet bank help desk and finally, after waiting for twenty minutes this morning I made it! I thought they should get this letter:

No matter what time of day I try calling the internet banking numbers and go through all the options of “key 1… 2… 3…. 4…” I get the “we are currently experiencing high call volumes … thank you for holding … your call will be answered shortly” message. And I hold and I hold and I hold, listening to the tinny music and the “helpful hints and messages” from the robot. And I hold and I hold and I hold. Six times in the last two days I have tried and not managed to speak to a consultant and have given up. Meanwhile, on giving up on my own bank, I have tried phoning the help desks of other banks connected to accounts I’ve been trying to register – I phoned FNB and the call was answered immediately by a most helpful man. This morning I phoned Old Mutual internet banking help desk and, once again, my call was answered immediately by a most helpful man. I phoned him back five minutes later with another query as the branch that came up on the code was different to my client’s actual branch, and he checked the number etc and confirmed it was all correct. Oh what a pleasure to deal with such a bank!! Why am I still with Standard Bank? I ask myself. If I had the time to sort through all the changes of debit orders etc, I would not be!
Your call message should not be “thank you for holding, your call will be answered shortly” it should be “#@$%&* you. We couldn’t be bothered to man the help desk with enough staff to cope with the volume of calls or customers needing assistance. So, hold ... don’t hold ... whatever. We actually couldn’t care less.”

I think that wonderful book "Talk to the Hand" has something like this in it too!

oh well.... I have a beeeeeeg to do list to get through!

Agents .. on the other hand

The Middle People!